Hive of Scum and The Mod Delusion Present:
The Worst of The Worst: Awful Comic Book T-Shirts
Max: Hi folks, I'm Max Robinson of Hive of Scum, with me is my good friend and fellow starchild, Mike Pfeiffer of The Mod Delusion (Which you're reading RIGHT NOW).
Mike: Max and I often go out to get comic books together (Surprise) and make movies (That totally rule) and we are real life bros. Peep this halloween style:
Awesome. Now, take a close look. I'm wearing a doctor who pin, max is wearing a flash shirt and a flight jacket that he actually chose because it said "Jordan" on it. Like... HAL JORDAN. We're nerds, we dress like nerds. We went out and bought shirts that salute both AC/DC and Iron Man 2 and wore them together while hanging out. On the other hand, not everybody does it right. It's no secret that there is a direct correlation between liking nerd shit and having clothes like, as baseball star Kenny Powers would say, a fuckin' dickhead. And for that reason, it's really important that somebody they can respect (Nerds like us) show them what is not suitable for hanging on their almost inevitably pasty frames, no matter how rusty its punisher logo is. So here we are, filling the gap left by the all-too-infrequent Fashion SWAT updates. All these shirts come from venerable website Stylin' Online which has cool stuff. But alas, for every simple classic, there is a fashborshion. Witness our critique technique in this MOD SCUM: A HIVE OF GREAT DELUSION special.Max: What really strikes me about this shirt is Captain America's soulless, blank expression here. This Captain America clearly does not give a fuck anymore. Also, his eyes are totally the wrong color.
Mike: Is that wall keeping out immigrants? Only Captain America knows for sure.
Max: The combination of the shot-up urban landscape and Cap's terrifying terminator face seem to suggest that Cap's declared war on our nation's ethnic poor.
Mike: "DO YOU THINK THIS LETTER ON MY HEAD STANDS FOR RACIAL TOLERANCE?!"
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Mike: Keep in mind, this is the atlantean equivalent of track and field. There are vast shoals of merparents who shout deep sea obsceneties while their precious egglings throw shotputs 'n shit. On the other hand, consider this. My high school has a swim team: Does atlantis have a running team?
Max: I just don't get it, man. So Atlantis, the kingdom that Aquaman rules, is I guess supposed to have a gift shop? And in that gift shop, you can be souvineer t-shirts? I mean, that'd be cool if it was like "LATVERIA TRACK AND FIELD (screw Richards)" or even "LexCorp Company Retreat '97", but who honestly gives a shit about Atlantis?
Mike: I think this is a little racist. Oh, so JUST because I'm from atlantis, I'm supposed to be good at SWIMMING? What if they made a "WAKANDA TRACK AND FIELD" shirt? Huh? As many racial undertones as the white power t-shirt.
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Mike: Let me posit this: the terrifying idea of playing baseball against Frank Castle.
Max: For real, though, I hate these kind of shirts. You only ever see assholes wearing them. Just look at this dude. You don't want to be in line behind this dude.
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Mike: Let me posit this: the terrifying idea of playing baseball against Frank Castle
Max: I'll say this..If Frank Castle was in Major League Baseball, Jim Joyce would be DEAD.
Max: For real, though, I hate these kind of shirts. You only ever see assholes wearing them. Just look at this dude. You don't want to be in line behind this dude.
Mike: There's some gene I was born with that automatically makes me afraid to carry books around this man for fear that he will dump them. Presumably, it's related to the gene that makes perfect chinstrap beards.
Max: Oh, he was totally a bully in high school, but he was like the kind of low-level bully that all the other bullies made fun of.
Mike: The probability his girlfriend has fake boobs or aspires to have fake boobs approach 100 as the probability that he has ever really read a punisher comic approach zero. However, if he came from a slightly higher income bracket and enhanced his hair gel regimen, he'd be ready for this next shirt. That probably won't happen until he truly taps the potential of being the swarthy version of the "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" guy, though.
Mike: Post script: Is that his hair or the top of an ill-put together hat? Send your answer to visorwatch@hotmail.com
Max: The perfect shirt for any grateful dead fan, dragon fan, or batman grateful dead dragon fans.
Mike: Suitable for framing in your Led Zeppelin listening room of choice
http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/stylinonline_2108_939848918
Mike: Batman + Ed Hardy = ??????
Max: The perfect shirt for any grateful dead fan, dragon fan, or batman grateful dead dragon fans.
Mike: Suitable for framing in your Led Zeppelin listening room of choice
: Makes your Punisher collectable plates look like shit. Pro: now you know what it's like when Robin drops acid. Con: Bats look like thumbs with wings.
Max: I think this shirt succeeds at looking exactly like what crackheads see when they fight Batman.
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http://ep.yimg.com/ca/I/stylinonline_2108_939848918
Max: Zombie Spider-Man. Playing poker. I don't even know what to make of this.
Mike: From the "These are things douchebags like" collection
Max: I want to know the thought process behind this shirt. Was there some Diamond design meeting where they only had enough money in the budget to do either a zombie playing poker shirt or a Spider-Man playing poker shirt and Robert Kirkman came in and was like "Gentlemen, I may have a solution for you!"?
Mike: You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to continue with a tired cultural meme.
Max: Spider-Man looks pretty...rotund here. I don't know if this is as a result of his insatiable hunger for human flesh or if the designers just wanted to create a more relatable Spidey for the huge guys who would be wearing it.
Mike: Yeah, he's still carrying a little of that "Aunt May" weight.
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Max: I remember this issue. Wolverine and Wolverine got stuck on a chaingang and then they escape, but they hate each other! And then there was some stuff about friendship or something.
Mike: This summer, Wolverine and Wolverine are "My two wolverines". "Bub bub I'm gonna bub bub snikt bub".
Max: Fun fact: My intelligent, liberal girlfriend point blank called this "The gayest thing I've ever seen".
Mike: This is, in fact, more homoerotic than Wolverine's son Daken who takes every single possible opportunity to tongue kiss Hawkeye/Bullseye. I'd actually really like to see somebody overanalyze this shirt in the same way that this preposterous fanwank approached Lady GaGa's latest indulgent eight minute clockwork orange-style futurerape hatesong epic. Like, if you get that from a leather nun suit, what the fuck do you read from a 100 year old minority member chaining himself up while covered in spandex and leather?
Mike: It's really nice of them to finally release MC Escher's "Wolverine within a wolverine" drawings.
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Mike: So now, if you are man enough, get your booty over to Max's Blorg and read the rest of it... If you're Man Enough.
This was an amazing post, sirs.
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