[11:06] robomax: I hope it ends with a murder suicide [11:06] robomax: ...BY CHOCOLATE
[11:07] MikeCMercury: ACK! Cathy's had a brain parasite for the past 25 years and is still a fat load in a hospital bed! [11:08] MikeCMercury: Her husband and weight loss are imaginary constructs of her diseased mind!
[11:09] robomax: Cathy vomits up a satan fetus and the world ends [11:09] robomax: ACK
[11:11] MikeCMercury: Cathy kills tila tequila and wears her skin, crying that now she is finally beautiful. [11:11] MikeCMercury: MONDAYS, HUH?
[11:13] robomax: you know that scene in i love lucy? [11:13] robomax: with the chocolate and the conveyor belt?
[11:13] MikeCMercury: Yes
[11:13] robomax: it's basically that [11:13] robomax: but with infants
And, for extra hilarity- THESEARTICLES about Tila Tequila getting pelted with rocks, shit and bricks at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Juggalos, like dogs and babies, can sense when something is evil and know to destroy it, despite their diminished mental capacity.
So, I'd like to make a post but I haven't come up with something FUCK YEAH, IT'S FRIDAY worthy. So first, I will show you what I have been doing so far on this workday.
It started, innocuously enough, with me posting this picture of today's ensemble, because I am a fop. I noted that besides footwear, it was generally a Tennant-y look. Friend of the blog Max Robinson had this to say:
VelcrobinsonIf @moddelusion is dressed like David Tennant today, my black slacks/black&purple polo makes me a temp for COBRA.
Simultaneously, we shared our thoughts on the topic:
VelcrobinsonWe get to celebrate Tomax/Xamot's birthday today. Two cakes, but they're both coconut. Ugh #COBRAtemp
ModDelusionInter-office volley ball vs. Hydra today. Hope it's less confusing than when we took on Kobra in the semi finals. #COBRAtemp
And just like that, it led to the following, slightly edited but presented For Your Edutainment.
ModDelusion@velcrobinson now to figure out what Cobra Commander's order for C.O.F.F.E.E. means. Is it an acronym or is he autistic?#COBRAtemp ModDelusion@velcrobinson "Cobra Officer's Favorite Fluid- Exluding Eggcremes" is probably what it stands for. Cobra Commander loves Egg Cremes. #COBRAtemp Velcrobinson@ModDelusion They're REALLY big on acronyms. Destro showed off some new troop transport called "T.R.U.C.K.". Dude was so proud. #COBRAtemp
Velcrobinson@ModDelusion what the hell is an egg cream?! CC keeps asking for them and I'm running out of things to pretend to staple #COBRAtemp
ModDelusion@velcrobinson I usually stock his minifridge with them on mondays, but now I'm mailing out the invoices for Weather Dominator parts. #cobratemp VelcrobinsonThe thing in the lobby is either a really nice coffee maker or the Weather Dominator. Either way, I'm not fucking touching it #COBRAtemp VelcrobinsonZartan told me to stop making eyes at his sister(??). Then he told me to wash the Dreadnoks' bikes or he'd beat me up. #COBRAtemp
ModDelusion@velcrobinson You lucked out, bro. I had to wax destro's HEAD. Dude made noises that made me want to yell for HR. #COBRAtemp
ModDelusionMan, having The Countess teach the sexual harassment course is like having a grenade teach a course on workplace safety. #cobratemp
Velcrobinson@ModDelusion Bro, stop calling The Baroness "The Countess". That's her sister and they HATE each other like wet cats #COBRAtemp
ModDelusionNot as bad as when we were in that assembly and I was like "YES COBRA CAPTAIN" and destro just made that face like "STFU." #cobratemp
ModDelusionSo I just put the bagels and schmear in the conference room... I think Cobra Commander is having a meeting with @Kanyewest??? wtf #cobratemp
VelcrobinsonDr. Mindbender is straight-up wearing a cape with no shirt & leather pants. #casualfriday is a double-edged sword at this place. #COBRAtemp
ModDelusionYeah dude, I forget The Baroness is foreign sometimes until she comes in with one of those velour tracksuits on, looking like a GTA IV character. #casualfriday#cobratemp
ModDelusion@velcrobinson I just checked our contract- we don't even get college credit for this, man. Joes and random murder for nothing. We should have just gone through with that Foot Clan Summer Karate Fantasy Camp thing. #cobratemp
Max: Hi folks, I'm Max Robinson of Hive of Scum, with me is my good friend and fellow starchild, Mike Pfeiffer of The Mod Delusion (Which you're reading RIGHT NOW).
Mike: Max and I often go out to get comic books together (Surprise) and make movies (That totallyrule) and we are real life bros. Peep this halloween style:
Awesome. Now, take a close look. I'm wearing a doctor who pin, max is wearing a flash shirt and a flight jacket that he actually chose because it said "Jordan" on it. Like... HAL JORDAN. We're nerds, we dress like nerds. We went out and bought shirts that salute both AC/DC and Iron Man 2 and wore them together while hanging out. On the other hand, not everybody does it right. It's no secret that there is a direct correlation between liking nerd shit and having clothes like, as baseball star Kenny Powers would say, a fuckin' dickhead. And for that reason, it's really important that somebody they can respect (Nerds like us) show them what is not suitable for hanging on their almost inevitably pasty frames, no matter how rusty its punisher logo is. So here we are, filling the gap left by the all-too-infrequent Fashion SWAT updates. All these shirts come from venerable website Stylin' Online which has cool stuff. But alas, for every simple classic, there is a fashborshion. Witness our critique technique in this MOD SCUM: A HIVE OF GREAT DELUSION special.
Max: What really strikes me about this shirt is Captain America's soulless, blank expression here. This Captain America clearly does not give a fuck anymore. Also, his eyes are totally the wrong color.
Mike: Is that wall keeping out immigrants? Only Captain America knows for sure.
Max: The combination of the shot-up urban landscape and Cap's terrifying terminator face seem to suggest that Cap's declared war on our nation's ethnic poor.
Mike: "DO YOU THINK THIS LETTER ON MY HEAD STANDS FOR RACIAL TOLERANCE?!"
Max: This may be the most boring comic book clothing item of all time. If it weren't for the Diamond logo on the sleeve, I would've assumed this was an Atlantis resort shirt. This is the kind of shirt my grandma would bring 5 year old me back when she went to Florida.
Mike: Keep in mind, this is the atlantean equivalent of track and field. There are vast shoals of merparents who shout deep sea obsceneties while their precious egglings throw shotputs 'n shit. On the other hand, consider this. My high school has a swim team: Does atlantis have a running team?
Max: I just don't get it, man. So Atlantis, the kingdom that Aquaman rules, is I guess supposed to have a gift shop? And in that gift shop, you can be souvineer t-shirts? I mean, that'd be cool if it was like "LATVERIA TRACK AND FIELD (screw Richards)" or even "LexCorp Company Retreat '97", but who honestly gives a shit about Atlantis?
Mike: I think this is a little racist. Oh, so JUST because I'm from atlantis, I'm supposed to be good at SWIMMING? What if they made a "WAKANDA TRACK AND FIELD" shirt? Huh? As many racial undertones as the white power t-shirt. -----
Mike: Let me posit this: the terrifying idea of playing baseball against Frank Castle
.
Max: I'll say this..If Frank Castle was in Major League Baseball, Jim Joyce would be DEAD.
Max: For real, though, I hate these kind of shirts. You only ever see assholes wearing them. Just look at this dude. You don't want to be in line behind this dude.
Mike: There's some gene I was born with that automatically makes me afraid to carry books around this man for fear that he will dump them. Presumably, it's related to the gene that makes perfect chinstrap beards.
Max: Oh, he was totally a bully in high school, but he was like the kind of low-level bully that all the other bullies made fun of.
Mike: The probability his girlfriend has fake boobs or aspires to have fake boobs approach 100 as the probability that he has ever really read a punisher comic approach zero. However, if he came from a slightly higher income bracket and enhanced his hair gel regimen, he'd be ready for this next shirt. That probably won't happen until he truly taps the potential of being the swarthy version of the "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" guy, though.
Mike: Post script: Is that his hair or the top of an ill-put together hat? Send your answer to visorwatch@hotmail.com
Max: The perfect shirt for any grateful dead fan, dragon fan, or batman grateful dead dragon fans.
Mike: Suitable for framing in your Led Zeppelin listening room of choice
: Makes your Punisher collectable plates look like shit. Pro: now you know what it's like when Robin drops acid. Con: Bats look like thumbs with wings.
Max: I think this shirt succeeds at looking exactly like what crackheads see when they fight Batman.
Max: Zombie Spider-Man. Playing poker. I don't even know what to make of this.
Mike: From the "These are things douchebags like" collection
Max: I want to know the thought process behind this shirt. Was there some Diamond design meeting where they only had enough money in the budget to do either a zombie playing poker shirt or a Spider-Man playing poker shirt and Robert Kirkman came in and was like "Gentlemen, I may have a solution for you!"?
Mike: You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to continue with a tired cultural meme.
Max: Spider-Man looks pretty...rotund here. I don't know if this is as a result of his insatiable hunger for human flesh or if the designers just wanted to create a more relatable Spidey for the huge guys who would be wearing it.
Mike: Yeah, he's still carrying a little of that "Aunt May" weight.
Max: I remember this issue. Wolverine and Wolverine got stuck on a chaingang and then they escape, but they hate each other! And then there was some stuff about friendship or something.
Mike: This summer, Wolverine and Wolverine are "My two wolverines". "Bub bub I'm gonna bub bub snikt bub".
Max: Fun fact: My intelligent, liberal girlfriend point blank called this "The gayest thing I've ever seen".
Mike: This is, in fact, more homoerotic than Wolverine's son Daken who takes every single possible opportunity to tongue kiss Hawkeye/Bullseye. I'd actually really like to see somebody overanalyze this shirt in the same way that this preposterous fanwank approached Lady GaGa's latest indulgent eight minute clockwork orange-style futurerape hatesong epic. Like, if you get that from a leather nun suit, what the fuck do you read from a 100 year old minority member chaining himself up while covered in spandex and leather?
Mike: It's really nice of them to finally release MC Escher's "Wolverine within a wolverine" drawings.
----
Mike: So now, if you are man enough, get your booty over to Max's Blorg and read the rest of it... If you're Man Enough.
So, I don't know if you guys know this Lady Gaga broad but she's pretty really popular- when they write the pop culture books in the future, they're gonna be all "Britney who? Christina what?" I think she's neat and all, but all this obsessive wanking over the "Smartness" of her music and her videos needs to stop. She's a great performer, an able songwriter (With some shitty, lazy producers) and she's got a sweet voice. She's a smart BUSINESSWOMAN I'd say, even.
But man, some of her music sucks and is stupid and I hate it. I dare anybody who takes up Gaga's "Self-aware" pop flag to listen to "Just Dance" and try to tell me there's something deep there. There's nothing wrong with writing a dumb pop song. I love AC/DC, for god's, sake. The guys who did the soundtrack to Maximum Overdrive. It's this irritating veneer of depth that is really fucking irritating, though, lemme tell you. But then people spit on Ke$ha like she is the worst thing in the world. And you know what? That's wrong and you're dumb. Seriously, if you did this right then you listened to both songs. Did you maybe notice that they're... the same? That there's no mystical analysis of Fame and Celebrity in there that redefines modern music? They're dumb party songs?
You know what? Do yourself a favor and listen to "Tik Tok," but then sing the chorus to "Just Dance" over it.
"OMG" you're saying, ripping the crayon sunglasses off your face, "Ke$ha is jackin' shit from The GaGa!"
Slow your roll, champion. There's a simple explanation: They're both dumb party songs. We've covered how incredibly derivative Gaga is, I've done it myself at leasttwice. So she ain't exactly innocent herself. Somebody's gonna come along and be the bigger and weirder Gaga in twenty years just like Gaga's the bigger weirder Madonna and I'm going to be yelling this same thing over some future brain interface or something.
I'm tired. This is taxing. I'm going to bed. But let me put it to you this way: The biggest difference between Gaga and Ke$ha is that one of them has a team of schizophrenics sewing dresses to make her look fashion forward, and the other one has the most irritating voice in the world and loves partying. As usual, I just want everyone to admit one thing: What you like is just as retarded as what I like.
So in reality, I'm a college student who writes things sometimes. Here's a 2000 word treatise on how we're being treated like idiots.
EDIT: You know what, here. Here's a playlist to listen to while you read this.
Beat on Repeat:
Why we're still partying like it's 1959
In 1957, Miles Davis released an album called "The Birth of the Cool," a compilation of tracks from 1949 and 1950. And brother, when it comes to prescient album titles "The Birth of the Cool" cannot be beat. The title ostensibly refers to the "Cool Jazz" style of the record, but I could care less about Jazz. The fifties are where Cool was born. Cool, the essential teenage life-fluid that every single advertising agency in the world has been trying to bottle and sell back to the young. The difference between owning a leather blazer (ugh) and a leather jacket (rad). The 50's were when all the swirling influences from history coagulated and the first miners of its ideals like Brando, Dean, and the early Rock 'n Rollers came together to make up the trends that cool people are still following today. With the help of smash hit movies, the standards were set. But once the floodgates of teenagers with disposable income were open, they were hard to close and studios played have played to the same exploitative styles for decades since, with varying degrees of success.
Understand first where the idea of cool comes from. This, Miles Davis and his contemporaries definitely had a hand in. The idea of "Cool" is actually far older than the 1950's. African tribes at least as far back as the 1500's have revered the characteristic that they called "Itutu," which closely resembles the basis of coolness, namely an almost otherworldly detachment from reality. While western cultures valued sang-froid, or a "coolness of blood," the african concept embraces a more creative nonchalance1, as opposed to aristocratic demeanor and composure. And that's where Miles Davis and the rest of Jazz crew come in. Black bebop musicians jump-started the bohemian beatnik revolution of the fifties and, like Rock 'n Roll, it filtered down through until white postwar suburban teens. Clearly, the longstanding ideal of making people like you by not caring if they like you has its roots further back than anybody who used the phrase "Daddy-o."
EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry this has turned into a Fuck Yeah Saturday post, but I got caught up in Friday night stuff. Hope it still applies to your weekend!
Lookit that! It's Friday, and If I weren't sick at home on the emergency laptop and about to settle down and kick this cold in the ass, I'd be partying. Everybody loves to party. Everybody:
(I SAID GQ CASUAL, NOT DOUCHEBAG FORMAL, RICHARDS. PARTY FOUL.)
In Latveria, failure to party on designated party days results in immediate execution. (PS, that picture is by Paul Pope- and is it not the raddest thing you've ever seen?)
Before going any further, let me say this: partying is an art. If you are listening to Party In the USA, you are lazy. There are a million better songs to listen to while partying that have the word "Party" in them. Here are five:
Party and Bullshit-Biggie
Ain't Nothin' But A House Party-J. Geils Band
Partyman-Prince
Party All Day (Fuck All Night)-Steel Panther
Party Time- 45 Grave
You know what? Here's all of those songs on a playlist, just so you have no excuse not to rule your party zone.
That said, I'm actually not the hardest partier in the world. I do, however, live next door to a certified Party House. It glows and shakes as the eldritch gods on the other side of some portal reach through to its living room with crepe paper tentacles, spitting confetti and vodka. The men who live there are champions, and I adore them. No matter who shows up, no matter what music is playing- the party goes on. I helped a friend base a movie off of them called Monster Frat, a love letter to their devotion to partying and basically being radical.
I'm there for many reasons on any given day. Sometimes just because it's Thursday, one time to celebrate Life Day, the wookiee holiday from the Star Wars Christmas Special. One time I came in and found every housemate in black hoods with knives in the air over a prone figure with stark lighting higlighting the lines in their face like it was the Party City of Dr. Caligari. Once they saw I was there, they put down their knives and turned to look at me. "Dude. We're filming a tribute to Alfred Hitchcock- Do you know any blondes?" They rule hard. Their music taste is eclectic, they never fail to have smiles and high fives and rarely, if ever, turn people away.
But even these titans of good-spirited hedonism can't compare to one man: Andrew WK (Pictured at right). Andrew WK is the pastor of the church of partying. He parties so hard, as a matter of fact, that there are actually theories that he is a fabrication of the flagging music industry- No one man could party so hard. No mortal could party so hard that he would open a club called "Santos Party House" as a venue for these massive events. No man could make half his living as an inspirational speaker on the part of his partying. No man could, in this day and age, be so interested in unironic fun that his debut album included three songs with the word "Party" right in the title.
And you know what? It is inspirational. Andrew WK's music is uplifting as shit. It is music that makes you want to dance. I actually can't do it justice, here's a playlist of his first album, I Get Wet, along with "Party Party Party," a song he wrote and performed on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Take this and use it at all future parties.
One of my closest friends lives there in the corner penthouse of the Party Central. He and I have developed a solution that is now essential to all our partying: It is called The Omega Solution, and this is how you make it. There are very few hard and fast rules, this is mostly just guidelines.
You're going to need some supplies. The essentials are Whiskey (Cheap), Dr. Pepper (cold), MD 20/20 (Lime), Ice (7 cubes per cup), Pop Rocks (Your choice of flavor), and a nice classy collector's cup from 7/11. We here at Mod Delusion headquarters usually use a matching set of Transformers 2 Collectors cup. Are they essential? No. Does cheap whiskey mysteriously taste better in them? Yes.
First, the ice. Seven cubes usually does it, as long as they're cubes and not those pussy ice crescents.
Add the MD 20/20. This is hobo wine, if you're not acquainted- your mouth WILL turn colors.
Dr. Pepper is one of the last steps. Use the ole' Dr. Pepper to fill the cup almost all the way to the top, hopefully with the ice floating up near the top. After all, the ice is the scaffolding for the next step.
POP ROCKS. This is the true signature of The Omega Solution. Tear open your package of pop rocks. Give thanks to mother earth, for it is her grace that has given you these magic rocks. Then, in synchronization with your partner (Never drink the omega solution alone! It's just not fun.) pour the pop rocks on top of the ice, after securing your protective goggles. If you've done it right, the pop rocks should rest on top of the ice and spark all over the place like some kind of God-Drink.
That's that. You've just made the most delicious drink in history. People won't believe you when you tell them the ingredients, but make sure to let them sample and prove them wrong.
This post got sedate in between steps one and two because I'm watching the last episode of Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show run. So since nobody' reading anyway, I'll take a second to talk about why it matters to me. Conan's been an inspiration to me since I watched my first episode of the Late Show in 2003. The way he worked the crowd and the way he was so gracious and enthusiastic and spontaneous inspired me instantaneously. For one reason or another I look at Conan as a kindred spirit, and everything that he does makes me think that my dreams are possible. Seeing him take over The Tonight Show was like an affirmation of everything I could hope for and it's crushing that he had to give it all up so soon. I know he'll bounce back, but this is pretty heavy for me.
Sorry for the wall of text, but that's the most melancholy this blog will ever get. This one is dedicated to everyone I get to party with at school and everywhere else but especially a close friend and Gaga Enthusiast whose birthday is this auspicious Fuck Yeah Saturday. She is also a champion of merriment. Oh, and if you're partying any time soon, make sure you look this good:PS, I used the word "Party" 34 times in the course of this article.
So you're probably aware that Batman and Robin is not a very good movie. Scientists actually theorize that its release in 1997 actually resonated back in time and murdered the last unicorn through sheer clusterfucking awfulness. One level deeper, you might now that a U2 song was prominently included on the soundtrack (Coincidence? I think not). But did you know that R. Kelly composed a song for Joel Schumacher's most homosexual movie featuring bats since The Lost Boys? It's called Gotham City. Have a watch, and then come back.
So where did that video lose you, huh? Was it when R. Kelly drove the Batmobile through the ghetto? Was it the fact that he repeatedly describes Gotham as a city of Justice and a city of Peace, betraying the fact that he has probably never read a comic book? Or is it the fact that when you put it together- none of it makes any fucking sense? It's very clearly a song that R. Kelly wrote about Chicago and then realized he needed two more gold toilets to really complete his mansion so he decided to get in on that sweet Batman and Robin Money. Before you know it, he's balls deep in Batmobile leather and pissing like Midas himself. This song was a NUMBER 9 HIT. NUMBER FUCKING NINE. Between this and grunge fasion, is there any way we can go back in time and bomb the nineties?
Wash the taste out of your mouth with the equally batshit but much less self important video for Prince's Batdance, also a hit when it was released in conjunction with 1989's Batman.
So the other night, my computer decided that it was quite done with life and would just rest its eyes and let the arsenic take hold. It's in intensive care with some very nice nerds in Princeton right now, while I'm using the Emergency Backup Laptop to squeak out blog entries just to keep up the habit. Gosh, life sure is hard. Okay, here's what's up:
The picture above is Debbie Harry, Blondie frontwoman, side by side with Lady Gaga, current world ruler. Now, Her Gaganess has been up front about who she loves and where she gets her influences from. But, the similarity in these two pictures makes me wonder if she had seen this photo of Debbie and it hid somewhere in her subconscious until she needed an idea. I love them both, but the similarity is real funny.
You're on the internet, right? You're a champ? So why are you not looking at Mitch Ansara's fucking fantastic I Can Read Movies series? You are, right? Okay, good. because if you're not, you're missing out to the max. The basic idea, in case you're completely pop culture illiterate, is to introduce a little graphic design to movie posters instead of making them ill-photoshopped star's faces fading all over the place. I mean, take a look at the original poster for Mean Girls:
Woof. I mean really, what a fucking mess. you get the idea, that these girls are mean- but there's absolutely nothing really memorable about this. It was whipped up in ten minutes according to a manual on how to make a cheap movie poster. On the other hand, look at this gorgeousness:
Now that's a poster. Go check those out.
I'm a mostly skinny man, but I know I won't be staying that way for long. I know that if I don't take care of myself, I'll be sweating whole chicken nuggets by the time I'm 25. Same goes for my hair- It's falling out with disturbing rapidity, so I have got to keep that shit on lock. So what can a man do to try and cheat mortality? I'm going to start by taking care of myself and exercising, which is a very out-of-character thing to say. However, I've found inspiration in this video starring the man I just wrote over a thousand words about.
Well look at that. I want that stomach, if not the teeth. That video is apparently the original version of the AWESOME space one that i posted before. You can see a lot of the stuff that's in the final version in this early draft, and I'm very fond of the lightning bolts. I may have to pilfer that in a future video.
Oh hey, Big Damn Heroes. Looks like you got something, there. What is it boy? Is it you guys playing your NUMBER ONE SUMMER JAM and theme song, Big Damn Heroes? With lyrics mumbled by Mike Pfeiffer and Dylan Roth, and rhythm affairs pounded down by Jammin' Julian Ames and David "The Mavid" Fruhling? Golly, it sure is.
NOTE: Big Damn Heroes was only a number one summer jam on the "Music I've written and also enjoy listening to" charts. It was also the only item to chart, pretty much ever. The recording's a little shitty, but we had fun.
It's friday afternoon here at Mod Delusion headquarters, but get ready for super party time with The Darkness. I personally cannot listen to this song without busting out into dance moves. There's not a night in recent memory that I haven't jumped and flipped my way home from a party with this in my ears.
Or, if you're throwing a party, let J. Geils inspire you with this BANGING hit that I was just made aware of, House Party.
So there's a movie coming out about The Runaways, where my favorite lady in rock, Joan Jett, got her start. I'm excited to have a movie about the Runaways, but supremely worried that it's starring Kristen Stewart whose acting career so far has proven that a cucumber has enough charisma to make it in Hollywood. Also, Dakota Fanning is in it and the way she looks is making me feel confused in my pants.
Oh, and by the way- if you like all this, you'd more than likely be a fan of Young Liars. The design of this cover (on the left) should be enough to make you curious. It's an insane comic about young people being awful. Like It's Always Sunny, but with more genital mutilation and cool listening suggestions at the beginning of each issue.
If you're enjoying the blog but want to see me fag out about rock fashion and old bands more often, I invite you to follow my tumblr, which is updated often enough that you'll soon be insisting that I either get a job or see a doctor.
Additionally,if you somehow found your way to this blog but don't know me personally- welcome! That's me, over on the right. I like to rock. I think this is mainly a blog about music, but I could see it becoming a pop culture blog just as quickly.
I am never going to stop hating the word "blog," or stop being embarassed that I have to use that word to describe what I like to write in.
I have a band, and we are Big Damn Heroes. I play with three of my best friends and we make music that is fun. If you're wondering what we sound like, I'm going to try to post a file every once in a while on the tumblr. Dylan, who you should bug to start writing again at his blog Top 5 Everything. If you're lucky, he'll come here and do an entry because he is also a bangarang writer, musician and source of trivia for all things popcultural.
But really. Hawkins is a wonder. A genuine wonder. Not only a fucking incredible guitarist (I dare you to listen to ANY of his guitar solos and not have to collect dripping bits of your face afterward) but he's got a great story. Why don't I tell you what Wikipedia and other internet trawling told me:
Justin Hawkins and The Darkness started playing together in 2000. You probably know them best for their Glam Rock classic, I Believe in a Thing Called Love. It's not exactly hard to understand why I love them, especially when you watch this video.
God, look at that. Sci-fi. Pagaentry. Glam rock. Look at those fucking glorious men. Just when you think Radiohead and Coldplay and Nickelback can't make Rock any less fun, this fucking song busted up the charts. I mean honestly, if the climax of that video didn't make you stand up and put the horns in the air, you are a terminator. The Darkness's premier album, Permission to Land, shot to number one and went quintuple platinum. That album had a MEEELYUN hits on it, I work hard to get them in rotation at parties because nobody ever dances to rock anymore, despite the fact that a lot of it is preposterously danceable.
Okay, so after fucking conquering the world with Permission to Land, they released a christmas single called Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End). If you've ever wondered what it would be like if Queen recorded the greatest christmas song in history, it sounds like this.
It almost made number one until it was overtaken by something else that was not as awesome.
So yeah, they were pretty good band.
"WERE?" You're saying, spitting out 20 year scotch onto the arm of your manservant, Ruprecht. "You mean I can no longer have my brain fucked out by those blazing guitars and completely inescapable choruses which leave one singing in falsetto for the rest of the day?" You signal for Ruprecht to fetch you some aspirin. "But... why?"
The Darkness were on top of the world, and that's when the trouble started. Hawkins' cocaine habit reached new highs as they went into the studio for their second album, One Way Ticket to Hell... And Back. The new album featured more synths, a bigger sound... and a new bass player, since the last one (Frankie Poullain) was forced out of the band/left due to "Musical Differences." Even before its release, it had all the characteristics of a troubled production. It came two and a half years after the release of Permission to Land, there were personnel changes, Hawkins' addiction had reached a fever pitch- things looked a little rough. The album was released to mixed reviews and during the supporting tour, Justin went into rehab in august of 06. The Darkness tried to stay together but instead reformed as Stone Gods, a hard rock band helmed by Justin's brother Dan Hawkins.
Justin came out clean and has stayed that way to this day (Bless his cheeky face. Look at him up there. We're with you, big guy.).
The healing done and feeling all squeaky clean, hawkins came back to the music that he loved. He did a duets with beverlei brown, sang backup for def leppard, wrote a BALLER pro-green song called Do It In the Dark that has just rocketed to the top of the "Music to bone to" charts- He is a man who TRULY loves making music. And he's very very good at it. Even after he made it all the way to the top and fell all the way to the bottom, he is still making classics. He didn't miss a beat.
His newest project is Hot Leg, and I'm just bonkers for them. They're the same sort of glammy bluesy metal that The Darkness was, and I sure hope they're around for longer than one album. Their debut, Red Light Fever is BANGARANG. I played this album until everyone but me hated it. Jeeeezus, the man knows how to write a song. Here's Hot Leg in all their glory. This was their CHRISTMAS SINGLE, and it rocks ass.
But why do I love Justin Hawkins? Clearly, he's a stone-cold Hit Machine who oils his gears with the blood of lesser men. But my personal affinity for him comes from some very special places. First and foremost his voice- The "Truth Larynx"- Is inspiring. It's the sort of voice the entire world has been waiting for since freddy mercury died. I would literally roll a baby in a pita and eat it to have a voice like his. Second, and this goes with the first, the man has MOVES. Watch the video for Girlfriend again, which I posted in the first Front Men post. Watch some live videos. Come back, I'll wait.
That man is like some incredible MI6 experiment to breed all the best traits of David Lee Roth (Jumpsuits, acrobatics) with all the best parts of Freddy Mercury (Wailing voice, fist pumping songs, sometimes mustache) and then mixed glitter in the vat just to make sure that the glorious tub-child would never stop shining. He's a wonder. Definitely in my top five of dudes I'd like to see playing live, because he is just THE BEST.
By the way, the video for Panama has just come on the TV, and it is only reinforcing my stance on Hawkins both owing a lot to and being better than David Lee Roth. Yes, David's on a wire and swinging from the ceiling and it's all quite well and good. But in concert, Justin would fly through the air on a fucking white tiger while squealing out solos.
Awesome. Now, take a close look. I'm wearing a doctor who pin, max is wearing a flash shirt and a flight jacket that he actually chose because it said "Jordan" on it. Like... HAL JORDAN. We're nerds, we dress like nerds. We went out and bought shirts that salute both AC/DC and Iron Man 2 and wore them together while hanging out. On the other hand, not everybody does it right. It's no secret that there is a direct correlation between liking nerd shit and having clothes like, as baseball star Kenny Powers would say, a fuckin' dickhead. And for that reason, it's really important that somebody they can respect (Nerds like us) show them what is not suitable for hanging on their almost inevitably pasty frames, no matter how rusty its punisher logo is. So here we are, filling the gap left by the all-too-infrequent Fashion SWAT updates. All these shirts come from venerable website 
